


Which Do You Prefer?

by Lonov



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Bisexuality, Confused!Cas, F/M, M/M, Satire, bisexual!dean, cas has a crush, crack!fic, the fourth wall doesn't exist
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-06-17
Updated: 2014-06-17
Packaged: 2018-02-05 02:45:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,477
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1802479
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lonov/pseuds/Lonov
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Angel-turned-investigator Castiel is on a mission to find out exactly what bisexuality means. All things considered, Dean takes it rather well.</p><p>Action! Intrigue! Satiric commentary on bisexual representation in the modern American media! It’s all here, folks.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Which Do You Prefer?

**Author's Note:**

> I wanted a fic about bisexual!Dean that, rather than featuring a sad/confused Dean who wants to be straight and hates his sexuality, features a Dean who is confident in himself and doesn’t care what anyone has to say about it.
> 
> As I'm a bisexual (just like Dean, regardless of what the SPN writers seem to think), I thought a satiric fic like this would be fun to write. It features stereotypes that I've had personally directed at me throughout the years, and it was actually cathartic to get down on paper.
> 
> THIS IS COMPLETELY CRACK!FIC. It features negative stereotypes about bisexuals (poor Cas doesn’t understand they’re offensive uwu). I really don't think it's very offensive at all, but if it might make you upset, don’t read! I did try to make this as tongue-in-cheek as possible.

“And it is called what, again?”

 

Dean took a swig of beer. “Bisexuality, Cas. Don’t tell me you’ve never heard of it before.”

 

“In Heaven we only ever spoke of full hetero or homosexuality,” Castiel said, eyes wide. “I hadn’t realized the two could mix.”

 

Across their tiny motel room, Sam snickered.

 

“Shut up, Sammy,” Dean advised before he turned back to Cas. “Yeah, well, they can, uh, mix.” He looked defensive. “You spent thousands of years as a know-it-all up in Heaven and you’ve never seen it before?"

 

“Perhaps I’ve been writing it off based on my previous assumptions about human sexuality,” Cas murmured, mostly to himself. His brow furrowed as he peered into Dean’s face as though searching for answers. “But that show’s writers say you’re straight. The script supervisor claims that isn’t a direction they want to take the show in.”

 

Dean snorted. “Yeah, well. Whatever. They can’t change who I am. Fuckin’ douchebags. Listen, we’ve got to get back to work on this case. Sam, can you—”

 

“Don’t worry, Dean,” Castiel said, rising from his chair. “I’ll find out everything I can about bisexuality.” There was a swish of clothing and then he was gone.

 

Dean took another gulp of beer.

 

“It’s like he thinks he's going to find any positive representation of bisexuals in today’s media,” Sam said curiously. “What do you think he’ll come back with?”

 

“I don’t want to know, Sammy,” Dean said with a heavy sigh. “I don’t want to know.”

 

*******

 

The next time he saw Cas was three nights later at a nearby bar. Dean was on the prowl for someone to pull, and he’d just begun chatting up a blonde-haired woman when a tall figure in a trench coat appeared in the corner of his eye.

 

Dean might have continued to chat up the blonde and ignore him completely, except he could see Cas there _hovering_ in his peripheral vision, and he didn’t want this woman asking any questions. He downed his beer and excused himself.

 

When he stepped outside into the night air, Cas was rather predictably already there.

 

Less predictably, he opened his mouth and said earnestly, “Dean, I’ve determined that you’re right. Bisexuality exists.”

 

Dean let out a huff of exasperation. “Damn it, Cas, we went over this already.”

 

“I’ve been doing some research,” Cas said. “I didn’t mean to have you part with that woman in there. I understand now how important sex is to you. Would you say you’ve had greater or less than one hundred sexual partners?”

 

Dean stared at him in disbelief. “The hell has gotten into you?”

 

“I intend to learn more about your lifestyle.”

 

“Yeah? Well you shouldn’t believe everything you read online.”

 

“Sam does all his research online,” Cas said.

 

“Yeah, but…” Dean frowned. “Just don’t come asking me about pop-culture bisexuality myths anymore, got it? It’s weird. And anyway,” he added emphatically, as if suddenly realizing something, “I fuck a lot of people because of my perky nipples and irresistible demeanor, not because I’m bi.”

 

Cas blinked. “Dean, have you ever experimented sexually at a slumber party?” 

 

Dean grunted in annoyance. “Jesus, Cas, what the hell have you been doing for research, watching porn?”

 

Castiel looked at him with a blank expression. “It’s a fascinating door into the human psyche.”

 

“This isn’t happening,” Dean begged, to no one in particular.

 

“Would you say you’re gay-for-pay?” Castiel asked sincerely.

 

“All right, that’s enough,” Dean said severely. The few other patrons in the parking lot shot him suspicious looks. In a lower voice, Dean continued, “I’m going back to the motel. You can either shut your piehold and hitch a ride or poof yourself away somewhere, but I don’t want any more stupid questions, you hear?”

 

Cas followed Dean to his car and settled into the passenger seat. “I merely wanted to learn more about humanity.”

 

“Well you won’t find that out by listening to every stupid stereotype you see on TV.”

 

“Actually, the television provided me with very little information. It seems to think bisexuality doesn’t exist, though you assure me it does.”

 

“Listen, Cas,” Dean said, one hand pointed at the angel and the other on the steering wheel. “I know you’ve seen a lot of weird mumbo jumbo shit in your days, but this is not like that. Humans aren’t always going to fit perfectly into the little boxes you angels seem to think we do. Now, I’m gonna do what I’ve always done, which is live my life on the road, gankin’ demons and fucking whoever I damn well want to. Neal Cassady-style, minus the demon part.” He looked over at Cas. “Whether that’s clear to you or not doesn’t matter.”

 

Cas was silent for a moment. “I never meant to offend you, Dean. I was only attempting to understand you better.”

 

“Yeah, well if you got any more questions you can bring them straight to me. No more analyzing bisexuals in porn.” 

 

“Of course,” Cas said. Dean took his eyes off the road to watch him for a moment. Cas opened his mouth, as if to say something, but closed it before any words came out.

 

“Spit it out, Cas.”

 

“It’s nothing,” Castiel murmured. “Humans are just so much more complex than I could have imagined.”

 

“Welcome to my world,” Dean said. “Even the people writing my life story don’t understand that.”

 

“Yes,” Cas agreed. “That is… very strange. Perhaps they have not come to terms with it yet.”

 

“They better sooner or later,” Dean said, “‘cause it ain’t changing.”

 

They drove in silence for a few minutes. When they were almost back at the motel, Dean chuckled. “You know, Cas, if you think humans are confusing now, imagine sleeping with one. It takes complication to a whole ‘nother level.”

 

“I,” Cas said. “Yes. Imagine that.”

 

*******

 

They solved the case the next day, thanks to Sam’s investigative work while Dean was at the bar. It took the two of them less than three hours to gank the ghost and burn its bones; afterwards they drove ten miles to the nearest diner and collapsed into a booth.

 

Cas appeared moments later.

 

“Morning, sunshine,” Dean said.

 

“Hello Dean, Sam,” Cas greeted, nodding at both of them. “I see you’ve finished another case.”

 

“Not for long,” Sam said. “Looks like there’s a poltergeist in Daytona. We’re heading there after breakfast.” He sipped his coffee thoughtfully, peering at his brother over the edge of his mug with mischief in his eyes. “Hey Dean, remember last time we were there? We stayed for a while when Dad was working on a case. You must’ve been, what, sixteen? And Dad was so mad when you got kicked out of school, but he never found out it was because—”

 

“Okay, okay, that’s enough,” Dean interrupted.

 

“—you kept getting caught hooking up with Robert Spurlock in the gym locker room.” Sam finished, clearly amused.

 

“Real funny,” Dean said, annoyed. “Was that around the same time I was saving your sorry ass from every bully in the sixth grade?”

 

“And Holly Hatcher,” Sam added. “She was the last one they caught you with, right, before they kicked you out for good?"

 

“Shut up, Sammy,” Dean said through clenched teeth. Cas’s interested expression warned him he was in for another round of Cas’s favorite game show, Question the Queer.

 

“The school expelled you for your sexual proclivities?” Castiel asked, sounding angry.

 

“It was more the sex in public thing,” Dean grumbled. At this point, he knew he may as well forget about finishing his pancakes. Sam was having too much fun winding Cas up, and Cas was too curious for his own good. He dropped his fork and leaned back in his seat. “I always hated Florida, anyway.”

 

“But you preferred Robert to Holly?” Cas inquired, oblivious to Dean’s attempts to change the topic.

 

Dean shrugged, considering. “Depended on the day,” he said. With an air of surrender, he continued, “Look, Cas, I’m going to say this one last time. Being bi doesn’t mean I’m desperate for ass or I’ll fuck anything that moves or I’m still going through a stage, fifteen years down the line. All it means is that I can do this,” Dean said, standing up. He touched the arm of a young waitress who happened to be walking by, leaned in closely to her face, and when she giggled in response to his murmured, “do you mind?” kissed her on the lips.

 

Sam grinned. Cas watched with wide eyes.  


 

Eyes that got even wider when Dean sat back down, leaned across the table, placed his hand on Cas’s cheek, and pressed their lips together.

 

“And I can do that,” Dean added unnecessarily.

 

Castiel’s mouth fell open in surprise.

 

“But…” he said, “But which…”

 

“You, Cas,” Dean said as a smile worked its way onto his face. “I prefer you.”

 


End file.
